Movie night in Portland

[wheelieterp]

I went to a fundraiser tonight for the local Trans/Queer (Their title, not mine) resource center as part of the leather week festivities. They showed "Beyond Vanilla". Okish movie with lots of familiar faces of people I have known for a while. Only one of whom I knew was in the movie before seeing it. That was wierd. In a REALLY fun way...A lot of what was said by a lot of people in the film was just plain wrong, or annoying, or stupid. And there was also a lot of really cool stuff said. All in all, I was disappointed becuase I felt that much of the movie promoted that attitude in that "Deeper" or "More intense" or "More on the edge" was better/cooler/more real. You know what I mean, the people who talk like "Canes are more intense than floggers. They hurt more." Instead of the more correct "I find canes to get me to the headspace I want to be in better/faster/whatever than floggers." I hate the fact that you can't get a group of kinky folk together to discuss play without it becoming a pissing contest where everybody is completley missing the point that the deal here is a headspace and what it takes to get you there is SO not the issue. I REALLY hate the fact that I can forget this and be guilty of it myself from time to time. One of my goals is to completley get rid of that behavior in my life. That and learn how to spell.

I also had a messed up day in terms of just not being present. I made a few really critical mistakes today in terms of my service and in terms of just NOT PAYING ATTENTION. I made one error that really messed with someone's core issues of space and home. It was one of those things that happened that just makes me berate and berate myself. I hate it when I fuck with people's issues like that out of sheer carelessnes. The fact that it was a mistake, and one that I will never make again, does not really assuage my feeling terrible about it. Somehow, I suspect that people do this thing from time to time, and feel as badly about it as I do, but innately know how to deal with the bad feelings without excusing them by negating the other person's right to be angry, or by dismissing thier issues as unimportant/unreasonable. So, if that is the case, and someone can tell me how to deal with this awful GUILT I feel, that would be great. I already apologized and promised it would not happen again. So now I get to figure out how to let it go... Suggestions?

Comments

[auxugen.livejournal.com]

Just pick at it.

OK. Not your usual advice here but hear me out. Also, I know that we JUST had this conversation but I can be stubborn.

First: Umm, like you're moving to a new city AND a completely new culture which is SO not SanFrancisco/Bay Area. You're in shock right there.
B: The people around you and in your life are acting all crazy headed as well. You're skipping beats now.
Thirdly: You have a commitment coming up this weekend that requires another long drive, followed by needing to go home (your old one) pack up yo' shit and drive again back to Portland. You're fibrillating now.
And lastly... I'm like sooo distracting you and loving it! In a good way I mean. Y'know...
I know this cycle you're going through all too well and it's pointless and will only make you screw up and pay LESS attention because you're going to be busy worrying about how you goofed up and made an annoying, human mistake or two.
Go to bed. Get some rest and remember that things will calm down before too long and then later you'll wonder why you got so wound up in the first place.
Now with all my high fallootin'-I-know-I'm-right opinions out of the way, let me end by saying that I'm completely looking forward to crawling all over you some more.
Are you distracted enough/again yet? Huh?

[mhgagnon.livejournal.com]

One way that may assist with letting go of the guilt is to realize that guilt is nothing else but self-serving. In the realm of service (which honestly is for everyone)...guilt keeps us focused on our own ego instead of what we are really meant to do. It chains us to the past instead of paying attention to the present.
We learn, we feel sorrow and we move on. (Now, although I know this intellectually, it's not something I always remember when I'm meant to...LOL).

The second thing I use is this little quote that I have taped to my monitor (and am looking at right now)...
By your stumbling,
the world is perfected."
-Sri Aurobindo

Big hugs for you...~

[wearbear.livejournal.com]

ummm i think I'm going to snag this bit of advice for myself thank you.

[mhgagnon.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

And writing it was a good reminder for me!

[ink-ling.livejournal.com]

Wow! Thank you for saying this! As a very fledgling bdsm-er, I am continually shocked to feel challenged by some about what I am really willing to do. Now, I can see a place for this, sometimes. But it's the tone: More-masculine-than-thou. The headspace guage makes so much more sense to me; it's more psychology than it is pain, and it's more attention than it is skill.

At least that's the way I want it.

[ibezdechi.livejournal.com]

All I ask is "WHY"...

This whole BDSM thing is so totally weird to me...and honestly, I just don't get it. And then to get into a point of beating youself up psychologically to the point of making yourself sick about what you did and don't do during such an activity is beyond my comprehension.

It's almost like you're looking to do an activity so you are somehow subconsciously trying to beat yourself up psychologically.

[dodgingwndshlds.livejournal.com]

My angst is not about a BDSM event, it was about a careless, thoughless mistake that I made that had consequences for someone else....

[ibezdechi.livejournal.com]

Oh....."Never myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyynd!"

OK...I still think you're the coolest thing since slut 501s and chaps and a leather vest!

At least now you know where I stand on this subject!